You know that silly Barney song, well I don't know if its actually Barney but: I hate you, you hate me, lets gang up and kill Barney.
Well, recently I've change the words as they go through my head:
I hate me, You hate me
Then I kinda get stuck.
I know it sounds emo right. All depressed and self-loathing. Can I help it if thats how I feel?

But Stuck. Thats a good way to describe how I feel. Mostly because I've essentially been feeling this way for te last two or three years (journals are so helpful when figuring out if your stuck in a rut).

Angry, thats another way to describe how I feel. Angry at evrything and everyone. Wanting to feel accepted and love.

Sad, thus depressed. Wishing that things were better. Wishing that I couldn't feel alone in a room full of people. Desperatly hoping to be loved. While not believing that its actually possible.

It should be possible to be loved right?

I hate the holidays, they are by far the loneliest time of the year. People spending tons of money on things that people will never use, and probably don't really appreciate. Spending time with family while trying to pretend like everything is alright and that they don't fight during the rest of the year. And that they're not going to fight this holiday season despite what happened last year. It s the time of year with the highest suicide rate. And its the time of year that I most wish to be loved.

I don't know how to deal with how I feel. I know I shoudl talk to people and let them know but, who should I talk to? Who would want to listen? Why should they care?
Bottling my feeling up inside me just makes me feel worse, but its what I've done for so long that it's hard to know how to stop.

I want to stop. I want to be open with those I trust. I want to share. I want to care. And most of all I want to FEEL loved.

Sometimes I hate myself, for being so silly and naive. This mostly comes at times when I am hurting. Right now I hurt, I feel like I was actually trying to connect and be real, and instead I was burned. oh well thats life right? My own defeatest attitude annoys me.

Flaws

Do you see the flaws and then ignore them or do you simply not see them at all?

I sometimes think about myself in comparison to my artwork. Over the years I have noticed that the things I used to like I can now see flaws in and thus I wait until I have developed enough to see flaws in what I like now.
This is completely how I see myself as well. I'm growing and developing all the time. So much so that I can never be sure if I like what I see now or if I have fixed the flaws that I know I used to have. Maybe I'm am just developing a whole new set of flaws that I will eventually discover and then try to fix.
Or will I eventually see the final me and be happy because I have finally worked out all the flaws.
I know that it is important to love myself and my work despite the fact that it needs work to be truly great, but can I love and still acknowledge the truth of the changes that still need to be made?

Intro

The Ingénue is a stock character in literature, film, and a role type in the theatre; generally a girl or a young woman who is endearingly innocent and wholesome.
Typically, the ingenue is beautiful, gentle, sweet, virginal, and often naïve, in mental or emotional danger, or even physical danger.

This definition is essentially the reason for my blog. It is a way for me to express my thoughts, fears, and quanderies when I feel naïve or in danger. Not real danger, but hey whatever.
Today just happens to be one of those days, one of those days that I am so close to driving myself insane with my what ifs and overanalyzations of every single aspect of my life. Or so it seems. But today is almost over so I bit you adieu until I figure out what I'm trying to say.