You know that silly Barney song, well I don't know if its actually Barney but: I hate you, you hate me, lets gang up and kill Barney.
Well, recently I've change the words as they go through my head:
I hate me, You hate me
Then I kinda get stuck.
I know it sounds emo right. All depressed and self-loathing. Can I help it if thats how I feel?

But Stuck. Thats a good way to describe how I feel. Mostly because I've essentially been feeling this way for te last two or three years (journals are so helpful when figuring out if your stuck in a rut).

Angry, thats another way to describe how I feel. Angry at evrything and everyone. Wanting to feel accepted and love.

Sad, thus depressed. Wishing that things were better. Wishing that I couldn't feel alone in a room full of people. Desperatly hoping to be loved. While not believing that its actually possible.

It should be possible to be loved right?

I hate the holidays, they are by far the loneliest time of the year. People spending tons of money on things that people will never use, and probably don't really appreciate. Spending time with family while trying to pretend like everything is alright and that they don't fight during the rest of the year. And that they're not going to fight this holiday season despite what happened last year. It s the time of year with the highest suicide rate. And its the time of year that I most wish to be loved.

I don't know how to deal with how I feel. I know I shoudl talk to people and let them know but, who should I talk to? Who would want to listen? Why should they care?
Bottling my feeling up inside me just makes me feel worse, but its what I've done for so long that it's hard to know how to stop.

I want to stop. I want to be open with those I trust. I want to share. I want to care. And most of all I want to FEEL loved.