Happy?

I feel like crap. Again. and It sucks. It seems that I can't staying feeling happy, even when things are going great. Which they are not. or at least I don't see them that way.
I can generally always reason away why I feel how I do but it never changes the fact that that is the way I feel. So I start to want to not feel. I feel like crap so often that I think that throwing away the sparse good wouldn't be that bad. I just don't want to hurt. or if I'm going to hurt then I want to know why. Control my pain? That doesn't sound so bad, until you consider what people do to control their pain; they turn to others things that either make them feel better, feel more in control, or they cause themselves pain so they know when its coming. So maybe not the best idea ever. . . unfortunately its appealing to be able to control your own pain. To not care about whether your heart aches, about whether or not people always leave you, or treat you poorly.
Argh, but why do I feel so alone? I'm not. There are a great many people who care a lot about me. So why does my mind have to descend so quickly into these thoughts or despair and hopelessness. Life is not hopeless, quite the contrary, it is full of so many possibilities.
So why, oh why do I live my life like the lies are truth. My goodness even the guy at blockbuster can correct me for the wrong conclusion that I jump to.
I was supposed to drive the bus. Did I ? who knows? All I know now is that I seem to be hopping aboard ever run away train to see how far away I can get before I can catch up with myself. Where am I going?