So for awhile now I've been seeing this picture in a variety of places, and all I could think was "I'm in that photo, I wish I could see where". So i have spent some time examining the feet, trying to remember where I was standing, and even trying to find everyone else I knew was in the photo. I believe there are 13 of us.

But then today while looking for blank Cds, I find this one Cd labeled SpringStaff '07 pictures and I thought I'd check it out. Why not right? Memories are fun. While perusing I discover this next photo which is taken probably thirty seconds after the first one just from the other side of the platform.

Finally I know where I am in the photo, though sadly neither picture shows that Sara is in the middle.

Pretend

She gazed down at herself. No way, she thought, no way could anyone ever see me as strong?. Do they never see me bite my lip in worry? or how, like at this moment, my toes are pointed together because I'm so unsure of myself?

Gazing around the room she mentally checked off the times when these people had come so close to seeing her break down. Would she be seen as an impostor then? Because that is how she felt when hanging around them. She must never let them see her cry.
She was so torn, torn between confusion that these individuals couldn't see the real her, her pain that made her tear up oh so often, and pride that she has successfully convinced them that she was such a strong person that nothing affected her.
Then for a brief moment she relaxed, and smiled a little smile. The kind that you give when you have a little secret joy inside of your heart. For her it was the joy that her efforts had paid off, and that she had not blown her cover in front of them. It lasted for only small time, a smidgen of a second, before she remembered how much it costs her to not be herself, to play pretend all the time, and then her toes turned inwards towards themselves once again.

ʃeɪm

This is something I found while cleaning my room.

"As a part of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part, is marred. Shame enters in a makes its crippling home deep within our hearts."

Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends.
Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that is someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away.
Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up.
Shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth.
Shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate.

- If we were not deemed worthy of lovve as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. -

Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen. We put up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.

* Hide your heart * You are a disappointment * Worthless * No one cares * No one wants to care * You are alone * It must be me * Something is fundamentally wrong with me *

I live a life of selfprotection because I live through a broken heart.

No more.

Breathe in. Breathe deep. Calm down. Exhale. Look around. Did anyone see? No, no one is looking at me at all. Good.
I have to watch myself. Can't let anyone see the pain in side. Oh, this is a terrible prison I've created for myself. I long to leave but feel so stuck and helpless.
To step outside these walls would mean confronting the pain head-on. How can I even consider that possibility when even now the pain can cripple me and leave me breathless in a matter of moments? I desire to be past all of this. I just want to be out on the otherside. Why do I have to traverse the depths to get there? That's too scary to ever consider. So I guess that this is the way that things are going to be. And I suppose as long as no one notice's that I'm broken I'm doing fine.

Run, run, run away. I don't want to be near you. I don't want you to know who I am.

I desire to be free and unconstrained by all the thoughts and wishes. Nothing should depend on you. I am self-sufficient and capable. I am independent and confident.

I shall not weaken under the pressure. There will be no bowing to the feelings that attempt to pull me along.

I know I know better. I know who I am am and will not let you see through me until I appear to be nothing more than a figment of your imagination, or a distant memory of something past. Rather I will stand tall and remember my true self.

Do not try to dissuade me from the truth because that would only incur my wrath. The lies you speak cannot, and can never hold me again.

I am love, loved and lovable.

I think the problem or rather reason why I don't write very frequently is because I'm trying so hard to be smart. I want to come up with something witty to say or be able to perfectly articulate whatever sentiment it is that I'm feeling.
Well, I've given up. I am now just going to write whatever and try not to care how it comes out.
This may mean that sometimes my post my having nothing of interest for anyone other than myself but it is much better than not writing at all :P

Lately, I have been quite enjoying my job. The Sleepless Goat Café is a strange and sometimes wonderful place. I used to visit all the time with my friends frequently just getting a cup of tea and then sitting and chatting for hours on end which is something I still love to do. Now I am being trained to be one of their cooks and I love it. To me it feels like I'm creating something that someone else will enjoy. Plus, it sure smells good.

That is one of the few things that I have decided I want to do with my life. I'm not sure exactly what form it will be in (surely it won't tick to food forever) but creating is something that I find intriguing, and joyful, and frustrating, and challenging. There is so much variance to the forms which it can come in.
So now when people ask me what I want to do with my life I can answer them simply with one word: Create!

Happy?

I feel like crap. Again. and It sucks. It seems that I can't staying feeling happy, even when things are going great. Which they are not. or at least I don't see them that way.
I can generally always reason away why I feel how I do but it never changes the fact that that is the way I feel. So I start to want to not feel. I feel like crap so often that I think that throwing away the sparse good wouldn't be that bad. I just don't want to hurt. or if I'm going to hurt then I want to know why. Control my pain? That doesn't sound so bad, until you consider what people do to control their pain; they turn to others things that either make them feel better, feel more in control, or they cause themselves pain so they know when its coming. So maybe not the best idea ever. . . unfortunately its appealing to be able to control your own pain. To not care about whether your heart aches, about whether or not people always leave you, or treat you poorly.
Argh, but why do I feel so alone? I'm not. There are a great many people who care a lot about me. So why does my mind have to descend so quickly into these thoughts or despair and hopelessness. Life is not hopeless, quite the contrary, it is full of so many possibilities.
So why, oh why do I live my life like the lies are truth. My goodness even the guy at blockbuster can correct me for the wrong conclusion that I jump to.
I was supposed to drive the bus. Did I ? who knows? All I know now is that I seem to be hopping aboard ever run away train to see how far away I can get before I can catch up with myself. Where am I going?