Some days… oh some days. Why do I feel this way? I feel so alone, all by myself despite the loving people who surround me. How can I feel so isolated?
Why is it not possible for me to accept and believe people when they tell me that they care? I want to feel the love, believe that I am lovable, but it is so hard coming from a place where I was never told that I was loved. Even their actions, or maybe especially their actions made any other belief seem ridiculous. I need to defend myself, trust no one, and protect myself from all the harsh words. The harsh words that continue to resound in my head, which simply get louder when accompanied by the lack of action from those who were supposed to care most. They reinforce. Continually.
So now, even though things have changed - circumstances, the words people tell me – I still hear what they used to tell me, because I haven’t heard the new words, the love, long enough for them to actually sink in and become real enough to shape how I view myself.
Instead I just feel alone.

Spiralling

As she stood facing the mirror Sara contemplated the events that led here. She didn't quite understand how the briefest of encounters with him could send her spiralling down into the abyss that filled her conscious.
It all started simple enough, with friendship. He was the loudest person she'd ever met which scared her since she was so quiet, but he could quickly disarm her refined defensiveness. I suppose that was the issue. He could disarm her and get her to open up about the things she really didn't want anyone to know. The kind of things that make you afraid that people would never look at you the same after hearing them. But she told him anyways.
For awhile it was great, she continued to open up and let the friendship develop, but then how she felt about him changed. Try as she might she just couldn't go back to the way it was before, and worst of all he could see the difference. While at first he seemed to feel the same way, somewhere along the way that changed, leaving Sara feeling so alone, abandoned and without hope that anyone would ever feel the same way about her as she did him.
Not only that but she could not escape him. Their lives were to twisted together for her to make a clean break and separate herself. Nor did she want to because above all she valued that friendship. It had changed who she was, and without it she felt this terrible gaping hole.
And then, after weeks of mending things, just as she thought she was going to be fine, he gave her this look. This look which penetrated her very core and made her feel like he could see and understand everything about her and he didn't care.
She had to escape. This pain, this fear, this insecurity drove her to run as fast as she could to a safe place. Somewhere where she could be by herself, and collect herself. The Bathroom! But as she stood looking at herself in the mirror, all she could see was his face. All she could hear were his words.
Yet instead of collecting herself and dismissing the whole situation as an overreaction she just crumpled; fell to the floor and wept because all she could hear were the lies. The lies that she had believed ever since she was a child. The lies that she knew weren't true but were proven to be correct over and over again by situation just like this one. Broken and hopeless she sat there and cried.