ʃeɪm

This is something I found while cleaning my room.

"As a part of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part, is marred. Shame enters in a makes its crippling home deep within our hearts."

Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends.
Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that is someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away.
Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up.
Shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth.
Shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate.

- If we were not deemed worthy of lovve as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. -

Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen. We put up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.

* Hide your heart * You are a disappointment * Worthless * No one cares * No one wants to care * You are alone * It must be me * Something is fundamentally wrong with me *

I live a life of selfprotection because I live through a broken heart.

No more.

Breathe in. Breathe deep. Calm down. Exhale. Look around. Did anyone see? No, no one is looking at me at all. Good.
I have to watch myself. Can't let anyone see the pain in side. Oh, this is a terrible prison I've created for myself. I long to leave but feel so stuck and helpless.
To step outside these walls would mean confronting the pain head-on. How can I even consider that possibility when even now the pain can cripple me and leave me breathless in a matter of moments? I desire to be past all of this. I just want to be out on the otherside. Why do I have to traverse the depths to get there? That's too scary to ever consider. So I guess that this is the way that things are going to be. And I suppose as long as no one notice's that I'm broken I'm doing fine.